The Death of Hogwarts
by Zephyras
Summary: Harry Potter was walking down the hall to go to his next class. Suddenly he heard an evil laugh. Harry, being the smart and brave person he was, investigated the rude disturbance. He gasped as he saw Voldemort standing on a toilet. CRACK. First fic!


-The Death of Hogwarts

It was a bright sunny day at Hogwarts. Harry Potter was walking down the hall to go to his next class. Suddenly, as he was walking past the third floor girls' bathroom, he heard an evil laugh.

"MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Harry, being the smart and brave person he was, investigated the rude disturbance. He gasped as he saw Voldemort standing on a toilet.

"Voldemort!" he cried

"Yes, Potter, it is I!"

"Y-You…why are you in the girls' bathroom?!"

"Well when you got to go, Potter, you got to go!" said a straight faced Voldemort.

Harry blinked. And then he blinked again. And again.

"Er, right!" said Harry thickly, "Well if you've come here to fight me you'll have to come out of there!"

"Why, you idiotic Half-Blood?!"

"It's a **girls' **bathroom! I know you're the evil incarnate of Salazar Slytherin, but going into a girls' bathroom is just plain wrong!" said Harry, as if stating the obvious.

"Hmmm….You may be getting at something there, Potter! said Voldemort pensively.

"Now come on out off there; it won't look good on my résumé if You-No-Poo is killed on the toilet!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, POTTER?!" screamed Voldemort a little red in the face.

Harry had had enough, so he decided to do the most logical thing he had done that day.

"_Avada Kedavra!"_yelled Harry

And conveniently, at the same time Voldemort also shot the same curse. And predictably both of them died. But since Harry had his mother's protection and Voldemort was just cool, each them lived a few moments longer.

"Harry," gasped Voldemort "I – am – your – _mother's uncle's brother's girlfriend's sister's_ _pet's half brother's cousin twice removed_!

And with that, Voldemort died, completely forgetting that he was immortal due to his Horcruxes.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Harry, "YOU LIE!"

Then he proceeded to stab himself with Godric Gryffindor's sword, which he happened to be carrying around, so he would die faster and not have make sense of Voldemort' s last testimonial.

Suddenly, Dumbledore and McGonagall rushed into the corridor.

"Good God! Is that Potter, and He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named? gasped McGonagall as she edged closer.

Dumbledore held her back. " No Minerva, I'll go. It might be some sort of trap."

"Albus, I hardly think that's proper," protested McGonagall, " It **is**a girl's bathroom."

"Minerva, Lord Voldemort and Harry are both lying on the ground and there is blood everywhere-" But she cut him off.

"Now Albus, we must uphold the ancient rules of the Wizarding World which clearly state that no member of the male gender may enter a girl's bathroom." stated McGonagall.

Dumbledore moved forward into the girl's bathroom. He picked up the sword and examined the bodies of Harry Potter and Tom Riddle.

"Albus!," McGonagall admonished "Don't you take another step! Come out of there this instant! Or I'll-"

"Minerva" snapped Dumbledore "This is most importa-" McGonagall walked into the room.

"ALBUS, IF YOU DON'T COME OU- And then it happened. She slipped on some blood and fell into Dumbledore. Or she would have, if the sword hadn't been in the way. Shocked, Dumbledore let go of the sword and she sank to the floor, dead.

"M-Minerva wha-" Then he tripped over Voldemort's body and split his head open on the tile.

Several Minutes Later

Cho Chang and Ginny Weasley were walking back from lunch when they both decided to nip into the girl's bathroom. As they saw the grim sight before them, they froze. Their eyes traveled from Dumbledore to McGonagall to Voldemort and finally to-

"HARRY" they cried "NOOOO!"

"Harry please wake up, I love you!" sobbed Ginny

Then Cho slapped her.

"Wha-"

"You bitch, I love Harry more!" she picked up Harry's body and began hugging him. "Oh, Harry, wake up!"

"Hey, I want to hug Harry!" Ginny fumed "Go back to your boyfriend, you little hussy!" She grabbed Harry's body and kissed him, "It's okay Harry, I won't let that mean lady hurt….er… desecrate your body."

Cho jumped onto Ginny and began pulling her hair

"Why, you little-"

"I'll kill y-"

"Harry is mine!"

"NO! screamed Ginny "Harry loves me more, he stays at my house all the time"

"W-Well he kissed me before Christmas, and asked me out!" said Cho triumphantly

"S-So he still loves me more!"

"NO HE LOVES ME"

"YOU-"

But then Ginny grabbed Cho and banged her head several times against the wall, or a least until she stopped breathing.

"Oh Harry, now I will recite romantic lines, use many metaphors and similes, and finally commit suicide, and while I die is while whisper your name and-"

But she never got further than that because Draco Malfoy walked in and stabbed her with a silver dagger. But it wasn't just any silver dagger, it was custom-made, adorned with the Malfoy crest, studded with emeralds, inscribed with snakes that seemed to glow in the…

Draco Malfoy flipped his hair, "Die Mudbloods and Muggle-loving scum! You will rot in Hell!"

Then Ron Weasley appeared. No one really knows how he did it, and I suppose we'll never know.

"MALFOY!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"

"What do you think, Weasel" said Malfoy, with an insane look on his face, "The Dark Lord killed Potter and- That reminds me, where is The Dark Lord? Shouldn't he be wreaking havoc on the school and killing all the Mudbloods?" said Malfoy. Then his eyes widened in horror as he caught sight of Voldemort's body.

"NOOOOO! he screamed "HE CAN'T BE DEAD!" he stared in horror at the body for a second and then said "Right, Weasley, I challenge you to a duel on behalf of The Dark Lord."

"I accept your challenge, Malfoy, prepare to die!!

And they fought. I could describe this duel in grave detail, I could tell you how Ron punched Malfoy a bit too hard in the groin, how Malfoy kept shooting annoying birds out of his wand to distract Ron, how Ron used the Levitating Charm to smash Malfoy into the mirrors …but I won't. I will tell you this, however, Ron managed to kill Malfoy with the Blasting Curse…, but tripped over his own feet and drowned in a toilet.

Now after all these deaths there was a lot of blood around, from Malfoy, Ginny, Cho, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Harry. In an old castle like Hogwarts, there are usually a lot of cracks in the walls, the floor, the ceiling… pretty much everywhere, so it was no surprise when all the blood started to leak through the floor. Straight into the Hufflepuff Common Room. The Hufflepuffs, being the smart people they were, where very surprised when blood started dripping from the ceiling. Except that they thought it was punch. Which wasn't actually that dumb, considering that in 1976, the Great Hall was charmed to rain punch for three days straight by the famous (or infamous) James Potter and Sirius Black. So the Hufflepuffs being all smart and the like started a… PUNCH PARTY!!! W00T!!! And then they all died of blood clotting.

Meanwhile, the brave, the wonderful, the valiant, the fearless, the daring, if not somewhat stupid… er… okay fine…. Gryffindors stumbled upon the horrifying scene in the girl's loo. They gasped in shock! The Great Harry Potter and his sidekick Weasley were dead!! Oh the horror!!

"NOOOO! screamed Hermione "RON, HARRY!!"

She reached Ron first, pulling him out of the toilet, she yelled "Wake up you stupid, bloody, git! NOOOOO!" she dropped Ron unceremoniously on the floor and ran over toward Harry. There was only one problem; so did the rest of the Gryffindor House. And predictably she was trampled to death.

The Gryffindors, in their eagerness to prove their devotion to the Great Harry Potter, did not notice one vital thing. In the fight between Ron and Malfoy, Ron fired two Blasting Curses, one of them hit a window. And made a large hole. A very very large hole. A very very very… okay, the hole was about 3 meters wide and 2 meters tall. Oh and since it was the third floor, if you fell, well… you can guess what happened to the remaining Gryffindors.

Then our favorite character entered the scene. Severus Snape.

"I am Snape, the Potion's Mast… I mean…er…what is going on here?! The Dark Lord, Potter, and that old Muggle-loving fool are dead!" he cried

He walked into the bathroom, or which was a bathroom a few hours before, his black cloak billowing, as it usually did. Some students had actually speculated that he had it charmed… but back to the story. He bent over and examined the bodies.

"Hmm… Potter was stabbed by some sort of sword, The Dark Lord…hit by The Killing Curse, McGonagall stabbed as well, and as for Dumbledore… it looks like he tripped! The stupid old fool! Imagine the great Albus Dumbledore tripping…" but he never got any further than that, because as he walked over to investigate the other bodies, he tripped over Ron and crashed into the wall. A wall that happened to have a torch bracket stuck into it. The torch was lit. And so ended the glorious regime of Severus Snape, The Potions Professor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Lieutenant Death Eater under the command of Lord Voldemort, possibly the most disliked professor since Phineas Nigellus, and winner of the most hideous looking sneer ever known to mankind award for seven years running (courtesy of the Marauders), but no seemed to talk about that, if they didn't have a death wish at least.

Then a drunken Hagrid stumbled into the room. He gaped. And gaped. And gaped.

"Profess'r Dumbledore? Harry? W-Wha's goin' on?" he choked, "Ohhhh… Me head! I musta drunk too much…" He dug in the pockets of his moleskin coat and fished out a giant tankard.

"This'll 'elp," he said, as he took a giant gulp of the whiskey, "Always does." And he drank more and more and more, until he burst into song about mocking birds and other random things. In fact he made such a ruckus that the Ravenclaws came to investigate.

"Er… Professor Hagrid," Terry Boot said hesitantly, "Are you okay?" Then the Ravenclaws caught sight of the bodies. "OH MY GOD, PROFESSOR HAGRID LOOK BEHIND YOU!!" he screamed

But Hagrid kept humming and started to wave his flowery pink umbrella around. All the windows on the other side of the corridor broke. The Ravenclaws clumped together in terror.

"Professor Hagrid?" Anthony Goldstein tried, "What is ..." but he never finished his sentence, because at that exact moment Hagrid toppled over. And smashed the entire House.

The vibration shook the entire castle.

Hagrid rolled over and sat up.

"Huh…Oh…I musta fell asleep. Now wha was I…oh Fluffy…gotta see Fluffy…" he muttered. He stumbled over to the right side of the corridor, and tapped the door with his umbrella.

"H-Hi, Fluffy!" he stammered, "How's my little boy?"

Fluffy growled, apparently mad that he had been disturbed from his nap.

Hagrid continued to talk to him, "How you bin? Happy to see Daddy?"

Fluffy growled again and stood up, pawing the ground with his giant paws, his three heads baring their teeth.

"H-Hey, now I have to go. Daddy will visit you somet…" Fluffy pounced. And that's pretty much all you need to know.

The giant dog wiped its paws on the floor and ambled though the door. And came face-to-face with Professor Trelawney, who was in the middle of reciting a prophecy.

"…end is near. The Great School will die. The Dark Lord and his marked one will fall…It will end with fireballs and black stone…None will survive, the Great School will pass on into chaos…It will all end. Before midnight it will all be gone around the bend…hah, that rhymes… funny…" she was shaken out of her reverie as Fluffy snarled.

" AHHHHHH!" she screamed, "It's a three headed Grim!" She stumbled backward into the bathroom. "Ohh, is this the will of the fates? Then what must happen, must!"

And with those brave words, the giant dog, as if on cue, leapt for her throat. And then the wonderful force of momentum carried them both out of that blessed hole that Ron had made. Straight into the Whomping Willow. The Willow was disgruntled at the fact that two bodies had just been hurled into it. And so, with no hesitation it took the liberty of ripping them into shreds. When it was done with them, it tossed the remains onto the greenhouses.

Professor Sprout was carefully pruning a Fanged Geranium, when the remains of Professor Trelawney and Fluffy were splattered on the roof of the greenhouse. Startled she cut half of its roots off, and it retaliated by biting her hard on the hand…and neck….and face, and arm, and leg, and fingers, and… well you get the point: Fanged Geraniums are always hungry. And I'll just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, back at the ran… I mean Great Hall, Professor Flitwick, the mysterious Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and the Slytherins were waiting patiently for the rest of the school to enter, okay the Slytherins weren't waiting patiently, but who gives a flying turd about them. Anyway, while they were waiting, the enchanted ceiling began to rain meteors, comets and the like. Professor Flitwick, with his voice of supreme masculinity, squeaked, "Run, Run for your lives!" and with those brave words he toppled off the table and broke his neck on a fallen meteor. The mysterious DADA teacher was very annoyed at the fact that they were the only teacher left, **they** were supposed to be the one who got either, killed, have their memory wiped, sacked, have their soul sucked out, trampled by a pack of angry centaurs, or flee for their life after killing the Light's most powerful wizard. They got their wish however. About to voice their opinion, they did not notice the comet flying through the air in a close vicinity to their head until it was too late. The Slytherins however, escaped the onslaught unscathed. They sneaked into the Dungeons to find Snape, whispering about the comets being some ploy of Voldemort.

Crabbe and Goyle were lumbering around as usual, bumped into some potions bottles, they fell on the hard stone floor, breaking into a million pieces.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry exploded. The ancient towers that had stood for generations crumbled. The giant tapestries that had covered the hall and passage ways burst into flame. All that was left of Hogwarts was a pile of rubble.

A tiny cloth object floated slowly down. The Sorting Hat came to rest lightly on the rubble. And burst into the Harry Potter Theme Song.

♫ Du Du Du Du-Du Duuuu Duu Du-Du Duuuu Du-Du Du Du, Du Du Du-Du-Du Duuu Duuuuuuuuu Du Du Du Du Du-Du Du Duuu! ♫

Rita Skeeter walked slowly up the path to what used to be the entrance of Hogwarts. She dug a quill out of her bag and began to write, laughing manically all the way.

THE END

**A/N: Yay, my first fic is finished! Yeah, I know it's a little retarded, but hey, so am I. This was originally an ongoing joke that my friends and I had. I just decided to write it down. Please review and tell me what you think. Also, the little boxes above are supposed to be musical notes. **


End file.
